Chad Slate

[He Intends Victory]

We all have a date we can look back on and say, “We changed. Our world changed. Our lives changed.” I have such a date and this date is May 2nd, 2006. That date changed the rest of my life. It changed the way I thought, it changed how I saw life, it changed how I saw myself, and how I saw others. Did I know what this date would ultimately mean to me? I had no idea.

After hearing I was HIV positive, I visualized myself as nothing more than an added number to a growing pie graph in some Doctors office or bar graph on some national site. I felt I was nothing but a number. I was one more person who had this disease. And I didn’t want to be just one more person with this disease-I didn’t want the disease at all! I wanted to be free of it.

I had caused enough turmoil for my family-I didn’t want this to be something else they’d have to face. I had put my folks thru so much up to this point of my life and now, it appeared I was going to have to put them through much more.
May 2nd could have been the end of all things for me (Thoughts of suicide and unworthiness took me to the edge)-but instead ‘slowly‘, my life begun to reshape and the Lord began to mold me.

An altered life. A new revised life. One that found eternal salvation in our Lord Jesus Christ while dealing with my crippling state of mind. I was coming to terms with this leach called, “H.I.V.” HIV began to take everything from me. For months, HIV took my life, and it caused me to suffer mentally. It wasn’t until I reached out in a morning of agony.

The morning which changed my life-was a morning of extreme private grief. For months, I suffered mentally with severe depression.
I would sleep all day-in hopes of forgetting I had HIV. Sleeping the thought of having HIV away…it worked. But grim reality came when I woke up. Reliving this intensity daily.

Every time I looked into the mirror~ all I saw was this man who was nothing more than a walking disease. I couldn’t be anything more than that. I let my life go-I wanted to die, and many times I tried after I first found out, but I was tired of trying. So I laid in my misery- in hopes- the Lord would take me somehow.

I knew this grief and guilt would be the end of me. I knew the way I felt- no one could have ever survived. I had never felt so much pain in my life. I never felt anything so deep and piercing in my life. I was ultimately alone in my mind and in my world. I was alone though there were people (Family and Friends) around.

I felt my body being torn daily every time I recalled what the doctors had told me. Reliving the moment every day for several weeks and months, I couldn’t break free of the thoughts of having HIV. I couldn’t believe my life had finally came to this. I knew in the past I wasn’t much, but I didn’t want to be this. It was much to bare for a kid who was trying to get his life straightened. A kid who was trying to straighten his life out on his own-I lost control of my life again.

I was angry with a God whom I went against my whole life. “Lord! You knew I was trying to get myself together! Why didn’t you protect me! Why!?” And the lord spoke~ to my spirit, “Chad. I did.”

In that moment I realized, I hadn’t vanished or perished into death yet. The Lord did protect me from years passed. He gave me many chances to live. He did protect me over the years. I could have perished years ago, and then- where would my soul be? That woke me up to something I had never thought about before-but that wasn’t the only time the Lord spoke to my spirit.

You would have thought this would’ve been the moment I changed my heart about this disease and how I looked at myself, but it wasn’t. What changed my whole life was one of those mornings I woke up from a deep sleep.

I can’t tell you what time it was-I say it was morning, it might not have been. It could have been mid afternoon-but the deal is, I had slept for many hours.

I woke up to birds outside, this I do recall. The air was crisp-and everything seemed refreshing. I slowly woke up feeling good. I stretched and started thinking about the things I could do-And then, like many times before-a ton of bricks hit me. A soul wrenching ache began. I was HIV infected. I had forgotten, as I woke up, for a few seconds.

Once again, my stomach tightened up. I curled up in a ball-I began weeping again. Hating my life and recalling memories of guilt and blaming.
This was something that happened many times as the days, weeks and months went by. It started to be a daily ritual for me-waking up and recalling I was HIV. And every time I remembered, I went back thru a grieving process. It was like I was being told again for the first time, every time I woke up, that I was HIV positive. But something was different with this morning/afternoon.

With the uncontrollable tears and gasping for air between the “OH GOD. IT HURTS. WHY ME?“ The pain inside would grow without relief in site. This wasn’t physical pain. This was all intense internal, mental pain I was feeling-unbelievable pain you couldn’t imagine. I wouldn’t want anyone to imagine. The closes thing I could compare this to is the death of my grandfather-so, I can compare this to a death. Yeah, I can compare the pain to that. Death.

As I was all wrapped up in these emotions, which were sharpened knives, a voice softly spoke to my spirit.
“Are you done” I heard

I stopped to take a second listen to what I heard-but I continued to weep in my sadness. The voice spoke again, “Are you done yet?”

In that moment-I focused on those words. What a wild voice to hear within your spirit as you grieve.

“Are you done?”

As I thought about those words. I realized that I was repeating my suffering daily with no change. And I had the power to reach out to the Lord and overcome this pain. So I laid there in bed-and thought about those words for a second.

I was done. I was done with feeling like I was worthless. I had felt worthless my whole life and I was allowing myself to let this disease to define who I was in my OWN mind. I was done with feeling lonely in this world. I was done with thoughts of guilt over what I did to loved ones over the years. I was done blaming people for the way my life turned out. I was tired of seeing myself as someone who wasn’t lovable. I was done! I was done with the way I was doing things in my life. I was done doing things my way. I was done!
“Yes, Lord. I am done.”

At that moment, when I said I was done-I stopped crying. I got my breath and I stepped out of bed. One leg at a time, I got out of bed. I went to my mother and told her I was done. I was done with feeling this way. My life started to change from that moment.

I wanted the Lord to take control. I started to go to church on Sundays instead of just Friday nights for Celebrate Recovery. I started to attend church on Wednesday nights. I started reading the bible-started to understand the Lord more by surfing the net (watching sermons and other peoples testimonies). I started to listen to God. The Lord wanted me to soak myself into his word and learn of him. During all this, he wanted me to concur my fears of feeling less than. That was a ‘must’ on the list of things to do with Christ. He wanted me to gain a sense of self worth. The Lord wanted me to value myself for the first time. He wanted me to see that I meant something to him. I was a child of his. I was loved.

Growing up, I was learning disability child in school, and God wanted me to face those fears of school. He wanted me to face my fears, for the first time in my life, with him completely. In many cases, it was just me and God battling armies of fear.

I went back to college. I was scared as everything as I went forth into classes. I was terrified when it came to math or Algebra for sure. The Lord walked me thru it.

It took me going to school none stop(Spring, summer, fall, spring, summer, fall) to get my A.A. degree because I had to repeat a few math classes-But I didn’t give up. God was in control. He gave me a new desire in life. HE wanted me to live. And for the first time in my life, I wanted to live. But this time, I wanted to live for the one who gave me life. Christ.

As time went by, I finished my round in C.R. as an individual who needed to listen and learn. Then in return, I wanted to give back to Celebrate Recovery for what the program had done for me. I started to work within the ministry myself.

In short: I was able to give my testimony to the church a year after my diagnoses-and a year after my testimony, I was baptized on the same stage where I gave my testimony. I became a member of the church (Did all the classes and such *LOL*). And as of this Dec, I received my Associates in the Arts. I’m continuing my education this spring-working towards my B.S. The Lord helped me overcome many fears, I would have to say.

I have a church who loves me for who I am in Christ and not who I use to be. I am a new creature in Christ-and because of that, I have hope. I have peace. I have comfort and I have a life. My identity isn’t in this disease, HIV-it is in Jesus Christ. And that is the way it is for all who come to Christ. Regardless of your illness.

I am not sure where the Lord is going to take me in the coming years, but none of us know what he has planned. Let’s open ourselves up to Christ care and let him heal our emotions inside. God is a healer!! AMEN!

Proverb 3:6-8

[Cheri]

Dear Ken,
I am so glad that you have joined the He Intends Victory website. The name of it says it all, doesn't it? We are victorious through Christ, because He has paid it all! Regarding the church, sometimes people react out of a place of fear. Please know that you are not alone. You have friends here on this website you love you and care about you!!! And more than this, the Lord Jesus loves you so very, very much! "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5. That is a promise that you can rely on!!! Jesus never breaks His promises. He will always be there for you. And He will provide for your every need, for He loves you so very, very much!

[Shane]

Chad,
Your a good person never forget that! Never lose sight of Gods glory, He's always been there for you you simply forgot and so did I when that moment of change hits you like a mack truck. Thanks for stepping up and speaking out.
Thank you for finding peace, joy and He Intends Victory a wonderful place and staff of God loving people who help you from the moment you talk, meet and see them, I'm speaking from experience.
May you continue your walk with God and be blessed each day.
In His Name
Shane

[Angela Billman Mack]

Dear Chad,
I read your testimony today as I was preparing a basket of items for my husband who will be going to Africa with He Intends Victory in May. No one in our family is HIV positive but we love Gods people regardless of a "diagnosis" - Christ first loved us and suffered the ultimate pain - death on the cross for our sins... yet even through all of this we must remember also that we ARE beautifully and wonderfully made by our God and our days have been written in the Book of Life for all who believe, and even during our trials and tribulations OUR GOD loves us enough to bring grace and mercy to us to carry out HIS PLAN, according to HIS WILL for HIS KINGDOM, you may not know where the Lord is taking you but he does. Think of the thousands of people your testimony has already reached and touched their life - you may never know until you are at your makers feet - facebook pages are great - but the eternity of the spirits you touch will be everlasting - Bless you Angie MAck

[Jane Kazor]

Chad, What an awesome Testimony . Welcome my brother in the LORD. The most wonderful things await you. God bless you and I will keep you in my prayers. Jane California.

[Mark Brand]

WOW, your story blessed and encoraged me, I too am HIV positive, I came out of a homosexual / drug and party life style. I had recomitted my life back to the Lord before I was diagnosed, I'll never forget that day when I was told I had full blown AIDS, I've never felt so scared and alone in my life. I still feel alone, because of MY FEAR OF REJECTION I don't open up to anybody about it aside from my family. I'm since undetectible, my body has responded well to the meds but I know it trully is GODS GRACE!! I attend an awesome bible teaching church. They do have a ministry for those struggling with same sex attractions, and that is my biggest struggle I really feel I can benefit from the ministry but again I just can't get over my fear of rejection (I'm so private) . Your story was uplifting, I only pray that one day I too will have the courage that you have. Pray for me, even though I know I have vicory in Christ and am a new creation alot of time I don't feel that way, and I am being treated for depression. But I will never give up my faith is in my Lord, it's just hard sometimes. Sincerely Mark

[Troy Sorrell]

Chad,

I want to thank you for your testimony. I agree with you that the Lord loves us no matter what and he does forgive us. I exited the omosexual lifestyle in May of 2009. I accepted the Lord and then the moment came, I was diagnosed with HIV in June. I had a severe panic attack in June and I was rushed to the hospital. I was told that I almost had a stroke too. I was so frightened the night before because I saw an image on my wall that scared me. I couldn't sleep and I was exhausted the next day at work. I had such a high fever that I drove home on my own but I began to hallucinate. The paramedics and police showed up at my flat because they could "sense" something was wrong with me. Amen that the police were praying for me. After being in the hospital, I was told that I was diagnosed with being HIV + and I was devastated but I always remembered my promise to remain celebate if it ever happened to me. I have been celebate since May 2009 too. It feels good to know that God is behind me in this fight. My parents are aware of my HIV status, but my brothers do not know. I attend church now but I haven't began Bible studies yet. I live in Los Angeles and I feel it's hard to find a group that will accept former gay men who have truly embraced Christianity and have repented for their past. I never used drugs either. I also was a special education student (mildly autistic) growing up.

[Barbara Oida]

Amen, what a story, personal grief is so crippling, hope and pray that the Almighty God be with you forthwith to guide and protect your body and soul,

blessings

Barbara

[Ken]

Wow! I just wrote a Testimony for Joyce Meyers Ministries today, and thought I'd log onto He Intends Victory to share my ultimate Testimony... Isn't God so good that he gives us something not only to hold on too everyday of our lives but the ultimate blessing he gives us is HOPE. Hope in love, hope in healing, hope in understanding, hope in caring, hope in life, hope that he is with us, hope and the knowledge that he is always there, hope in everything we do, through Christ Jesus. There is hope in everything we long for, for those who love him and keep him in their hearts!!! Hope can be given to each one of us, and hope can be passed on to share to others about the goodness of our Father and the hope that they to will grasp the same hope and pass it on to someone else. I know that living with HIV is the toughest thing in life I've ever gone through, but with the hope and understanding that Christ is with me is the greatest gift/blessing to continue to hold on too. Growing in that hope, its not about me anymore its about sharing that hope and blessings with everyone! If God can give me this much hope to feel the way I do, passing it on and seeing the end result that someone else has grasped the same hope, I pray that they'll pass the blessing of hope to someone else. Hope is our Father in Heaven!!! When we fear, hope is there to take it away. When we are sick, hope is there to sooth it away. When we're down, hope is there to lift it away. Hope is Everywhere and Hope is here to stay in Christ Jesus. I'm learning more and more about the hope he has for my life and wanted to share my testimony of the hope, happiness, health and blessings he's given me everyday. Grasp it, take it, feel it, and pass it on and be BLESSED!!! God Bless Everyone, Everywhere! Brother Ken