Chad Slate

[He Intends Victory]

We all have a date we can look back on and say, “We changed. Our world changed. Our lives changed.” I have such a date and this date is May 2nd, 2006. That date changed the rest of my life. It changed the way I thought, it changed how I saw life, it changed how I saw myself, and how I saw others. Did I know what this date would ultimately mean to me? I had no idea.

After hearing I was HIV positive, I visualized myself as nothing more than an added number to a growing pie graph in some Doctors office or bar graph on some national site. I felt I was nothing but a number. I was one more person who had this disease. And I didn’t want to be just one more person with this disease-I didn’t want the disease at all! I wanted to be free of it.

I had caused enough turmoil for my family-I didn’t want this to be something else they’d have to face. I had put my folks thru so much up to this point of my life and now, it appeared I was going to have to put them through much more.
May 2nd could have been the end of all things for me (Thoughts of suicide and unworthiness took me to the edge)-but instead ‘slowly‘, my life begun to reshape and the Lord began to mold me.

An altered life. A new revised life. One that found eternal salvation in our Lord Jesus Christ while dealing with my crippling state of mind. I was coming to terms with this leach called, “H.I.V.” HIV began to take everything from me. For months, HIV took my life, and it caused me to suffer mentally. It wasn’t until I reached out in a morning of agony.

The morning which changed my life-was a morning of extreme private grief. For months, I suffered mentally with severe depression.
I would sleep all day-in hopes of forgetting I had HIV. Sleeping the thought of having HIV away…it worked. But grim reality came when I woke up. Reliving this intensity daily.

Every time I looked into the mirror~ all I saw was this man who was nothing more than a walking disease. I couldn’t be anything more than that. I let my life go-I wanted to die, and many times I tried after I first found out, but I was tired of trying. So I laid in my misery- in hopes- the Lord would take me somehow.

I knew this grief and guilt would be the end of me. I knew the way I felt- no one could have ever survived. I had never felt so much pain in my life. I never felt anything so deep and piercing in my life. I was ultimately alone in my mind and in my world. I was alone though there were people (Family and Friends) around.

I felt my body being torn daily every time I recalled what the doctors had told me. Reliving the moment every day for several weeks and months, I couldn’t break free of the thoughts of having HIV. I couldn’t believe my life had finally came to this. I knew in the past I wasn’t much, but I didn’t want to be this. It was much to bare for a kid who was trying to get his life straightened. A kid who was trying to straighten his life out on his own-I lost control of my life again.

I was angry with a God whom I went against my whole life. “Lord! You knew I was trying to get myself together! Why didn’t you protect me! Why!?” And the lord spoke~ to my spirit, “Chad. I did.”

In that moment I realized, I hadn’t vanished or perished into death yet. The Lord did protect me from years passed. He gave me many chances to live. He did protect me over the years. I could have perished years ago, and then- where would my soul be? That woke me up to something I had never thought about before-but that wasn’t the only time the Lord spoke to my spirit.

You would have thought this would’ve been the moment I changed my heart about this disease and how I looked at myself, but it wasn’t. What changed my whole life was one of those mornings I woke up from a deep sleep.

I can’t tell you what time it was-I say it was morning, it might not have been. It could have been mid afternoon-but the deal is, I had slept for many hours.

I woke up to birds outside, this I do recall. The air was crisp-and everything seemed refreshing. I slowly woke up feeling good. I stretched and started thinking about the things I could do-And then, like many times before-a ton of bricks hit me. A soul wrenching ache began. I was HIV infected. I had forgotten, as I woke up, for a few seconds.

Once again, my stomach tightened up. I curled up in a ball-I began weeping again. Hating my life and recalling memories of guilt and blaming.
This was something that happened many times as the days, weeks and months went by. It started to be a daily ritual for me-waking up and recalling I was HIV. And every time I remembered, I went back thru a grieving process. It was like I was being told again for the first time, every time I woke up, that I was HIV positive. But something was different with this morning/afternoon.

With the uncontrollable tears and gasping for air between the “OH GOD. IT HURTS. WHY ME?“ The pain inside would grow without relief in site. This wasn’t physical pain. This was all intense internal, mental pain I was feeling-unbelievable pain you couldn’t imagine. I wouldn’t want anyone to imagine. The closes thing I could compare this to is the death of my grandfather-so, I can compare this to a death. Yeah, I can compare the pain to that. Death.

As I was all wrapped up in these emotions, which were sharpened knives, a voice softly spoke to my spirit.
“Are you done” I heard

I stopped to take a second listen to what I heard-but I continued to weep in my sadness. The voice spoke again, “Are you done yet?”

In that moment-I focused on those words. What a wild voice to hear within your spirit as you grieve.

“Are you done?”

As I thought about those words. I realized that I was repeating my suffering daily with no change. And I had the power to reach out to the Lord and overcome this pain. So I laid there in bed-and thought about those words for a second.

I was done. I was done with feeling like I was worthless. I had felt worthless my whole life and I was allowing myself to let this disease to define who I was in my OWN mind. I was done with feeling lonely in this world. I was done with thoughts of guilt over what I did to loved ones over the years. I was done blaming people for the way my life turned out. I was tired of seeing myself as someone who wasn’t lovable. I was done! I was done with the way I was doing things in my life. I was done doing things my way. I was done!
“Yes, Lord. I am done.”

At that moment, when I said I was done-I stopped crying. I got my breath and I stepped out of bed. One leg at a time, I got out of bed. I went to my mother and told her I was done. I was done with feeling this way. My life started to change from that moment.

I wanted the Lord to take control. I started to go to church on Sundays instead of just Friday nights for Celebrate Recovery. I started to attend church on Wednesday nights. I started reading the bible-started to understand the Lord more by surfing the net (watching sermons and other peoples testimonies). I started to listen to God. The Lord wanted me to soak myself into his word and learn of him. During all this, he wanted me to concur my fears of feeling less than. That was a ‘must’ on the list of things to do with Christ. He wanted me to gain a sense of self worth. The Lord wanted me to value myself for the first time. He wanted me to see that I meant something to him. I was a child of his. I was loved.

Growing up, I was learning disability child in school, and God wanted me to face those fears of school. He wanted me to face my fears, for the first time in my life, with him completely. In many cases, it was just me and God battling armies of fear.

I went back to college. I was scared as everything as I went forth into classes. I was terrified when it came to math or Algebra for sure. The Lord walked me thru it.

It took me going to school none stop(Spring, summer, fall, spring, summer, fall) to get my A.A. degree because I had to repeat a few math classes-But I didn’t give up. God was in control. He gave me a new desire in life. HE wanted me to live. And for the first time in my life, I wanted to live. But this time, I wanted to live for the one who gave me life. Christ.

As time went by, I finished my round in C.R. as an individual who needed to listen and learn. Then in return, I wanted to give back to Celebrate Recovery for what the program had done for me. I started to work within the ministry myself.

In short: I was able to give my testimony to the church a year after my diagnoses-and a year after my testimony, I was baptized on the same stage where I gave my testimony. I became a member of the church (Did all the classes and such *LOL*). And as of this Dec, I received my Associates in the Arts. I’m continuing my education this spring-working towards my B.S. The Lord helped me overcome many fears, I would have to say.

I have a church who loves me for who I am in Christ and not who I use to be. I am a new creature in Christ-and because of that, I have hope. I have peace. I have comfort and I have a life. My identity isn’t in this disease, HIV-it is in Jesus Christ. And that is the way it is for all who come to Christ. Regardless of your illness.

I am not sure where the Lord is going to take me in the coming years, but none of us know what he has planned. Let’s open ourselves up to Christ care and let him heal our emotions inside. God is a healer!! AMEN!

Proverb 3:6-8

[muthoni]

Thank God for you, He will see us through, theres no weapon that is set against us will prosper

[Chad Slate]

Muthoni,
AMEN! The lord will for sure see us thru without a shadow of a doubt! We serve a mighty and graceful God!

[Ken]

Thank you for your Testimony. I found out that i was HIV positive about a yr and a half ago. I did not think it was the end. Because i was living a homosexual lifestyle and I knew there were drugs to help me out there. But what changed all that was. My eyes started to open up to the bad behaviour that got me there and I started to get depressed and wonder, if there was anything more to life. i believe the Lord started to work in my life. I have run from all my probelms through life and got to this point. To make a long story short. I move back to my home state to get away from the influemces of seattle wa. And I statred to go to a church he in Portsmouth NH. I believe God brought me here for a reason. I just opened up to the pastor and a person at the church about my life. He told me in a somewhat understanding vioce, he said the church today has to be very causes because, the church can be liable with anything goes wrong. I really dont know what he means but, it has bothered me since we had the conversation yesterday. I feel that I am not welcome there or I am not welcome in the gay community either because I just dont feel i belong there. So I am praying and hoping the LORD will help me. Once again thank you.

[NA]

MY BROTHER

i don't think you went to this church because you wanted to meet this pastor but JESUS CHRIST.You don't have to bother yourself with what he said but with what JESUS CHRIST says about you your life and your situation.Go closer to JESUS and He will show you the way

[Chad Slate]

Nakoma,
Thank you for your comment. I have to say I am blessed with my Pastor at Evangel. He is a caring individual who tries to reach out to those whom are hurting or suffering. The Lord has used him in a mighty way in my life. Many Pastors out there do not know how to react to the knowledge of HIV in their church because I do not think they understand it completely. But I believe more and more the Christian community is reaching out to those dealing with HIV. My church has been a miracle in my life. I am not sure if I could have asked for a better place to be. THe Lord knew what he was doing when I came across this church. I just wish that all churches were willing to reach out and lift up those dealing with HIV.
Christ is key though-We have got to have Christ in our hearts to make it in this life. He is the one who comforts us, heals us when we cry in isolation.. He is the one who hushes our sorrows and understands the pain. We have got to continue to seek him out in our darkest hours..and when those darkest hours pass, as they always do, we have got to remember his grace when things are going well for us. Jesus is the center of all our growth and healing.

God bless you, Nakoma~

[Chad Slate]

Ken~
Praise God for the Med's out there. The Lord will use others to hep us stay as healthy as we can..but mostly, it is the Lord that keeps our minds, body and souls strong and in good health. The Lord will be with you during your trying times as he has with me. This life is full of ups and downs and turn arounds, Ken. Hills and valleys-It's just life. We have got to stick close to eachother and continue to lift eachother up in prayer-As Christians, we do what we can for eachother..and a lot of times, that is prayer. The Lord can touch our lives in away that is so powerful due to prayer.

[jeneen]

Hi Ken don't loose hope at times we don't always get the reaction we want or were expecting, I went to this one church after i got home from a 4 yr incarceration and just wanted to tell my story of deliverance and new hope. He told me to write it out on paper and he would read it and then walked away. I was completely crushed after being so high on all that I had actually made it through. My point is that no matter what others think or say it is God who has the final word in all things. take heart and courage for the Lord will take us up when others reject us. We go to church to worship and grow in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Stay on this site and pour your heart out here until Jesus puts someone in your life that is trust worthy. also when you shop for clothing you would not buy the first pair of pant's would you. me either so keep your eyes open and heart steadfast and pray that God will lead you in the right direction for he loves and cares for you.

[NA]

hello brother.

thank you for your wonderful testimony, i am still very new to this site and happend to read your testiony first it is really inspiring and i know it will help somany people .May God continue to bless and protect you in JESUS' NAME .AMEN

[muthoni]

Hi Slate, you are quiet, i need some encouragement.... Am still pressing on and yes i stand soooo many chances to accomplish what God wants me to do....

[Cheri]

Hi Chad,
Thanks so much for sharing so honestly and humbly, your testimony of God's powerful work in your life! I am so touched by your honesty, and how the Lord has drawn you to Himself, and how He is growing you and stretching you and using you! And you are so right, our identity is in Him, not in what the world sees as defining us! You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Keep on keepin' on! Only eternity will tell the lives you have touched!

[Chad Slate]

Cheri,
Thank you so much for your comment. I pray that the Lord keeps on using me in the way he sees fit. As it is with everyone, we do not know what the future holds-but you know what? I'm holding on tight to him! AMEN! I like what you said, "Keep on keepin' on." That is they way it goes for all of us! We gotta keep on keepin on in this life. WE have got to find ourselves in the Lord, not in ourselves. The moment we find ourselves, in ourselves, we start to sink. It is only in him that we live.
God bless ya, Cheri.

[Sandi]

Chad, My heart is smiling after reading your words here.
Rejoicing with you over your degree too! Congrats!
Praises!We can say for sure, WITH Christ all things are possible, AMEN!
Thankful for His small still voice to us at that moment in time He comes along side us and then new life begins.
His timing is always perfect, huh?
Onward we go! Moving forward to what He has for us next! We say, Yes! to HIM!
Love, your sister in Christ,
Sandi